By Florence Waller

Florence Waller is the founding member of Caring about Dignity -- a new advocacy group for same-sex care.

‘Stunning and brave!’ That is how society likes to present transition to us. For example, the media was quick to put Bruce Jenner on magazine covers after his transition, with photographs taken by the likes of Annie Leibovitz and taglines including ‘Call Me Caitlin’, before naming him as woman of the year in 2015. What the media is less interested in is how these new identities depend on others upholding them by becoming ‘props’ in the charade. Behind The Looking Glass invites the viewer to listen to the women and children whose lives are impacted by men transitioning.

The film starts with the voices of women whose spouses had transitioned, stating their ages. What is striking is that these women’s ages span from early 20s to early 70s. The women hail from different backgrounds and from across the world, from Germany to Japan. The implication being clear ‒ this could happen to any woman at any time. Collectively these women choose to describe themselves as ‘trans widows’ which tells us that this film is primarily about grief, a grief which until now, has been shamed, shunned, and silenced.

When collating data for her film, Vaishnavi Sundar found that while women were keen to share their stories, many felt unable to appear on camera for fear of retribution. To get around this she has used a series of animations and still frames to help bring their stories to life. The frames in which an illustration of Vaishnavi watches trans widows telling their stories on her computer screen is an effective way of placing herself in this project and showing the responsibility she felt to the women while making the film. She is a listener and facilitator, connecting the stories of women from all over the world and helping them to have their voices heard.

The trans widows and children of transitioners in this film tell of how the men they knew changed unrecognisably, both with regards to looks and personality. Throughout the film there is a recurring motif, evident in much of what the women say about the experience of their husbands transitioning, but also overtly signalled by a little animation of Narcissus staring longingly at his reflection in the water.

The image looking back at Narcissus is not quite Narcissus himself, but a ‘feminised’ version. This is a crucial detail because it is important to understand that these men do not love themselves, but rather an illusion/delusion of themselves which is not really there, not really them. Therefore, to placate and please them requires playing into the charade.

The spell can be broken very easily, hence the violence women like Julietta faced when she failed to adequately affirm her husband. Marigold describes how her husband took her prescription drugs to alter his state of mind when it came to any intimacy with her: ‘I felt like a body, like it didn't matter who I was in bed.’ So, in trying to accommodate these new identities the women were changed, their boundaries eroded and they found themselves lost, increasingly untethered from reality.

The women explain how they were able to find and ground themselves again, highlighting the importance of talking with other women, the power of community and simply being heard. But these conversations have not been straightforward. As one of the trans widows explains: ‘In a marriage, where a man started to use drugs or cheated on you, you would find therapists and support groups and other women who would say this is not your fault, but on this topic, people are very quick to question whether or not you responded to it correctly.’

The women describe how their husbands required them to ‘affirm’ these new identities ‒ the expectation being that the women show deference. In the film, Julietta tells of how she tried both couples and individual therapy to save her marriage. She felt that she was required to display tolerance and accept her husband’s new identity, yet her own feelings were not ‘affirmed’.

In the latter half of the film, Tinsel from Trans Widows Voices explains how, in the absence of appropriate professional support such as counselling, women have developed their own online support networks. But this has not been without its difficulties, since they have the constant fear that such groups will be infiltrated by their actual exes or their supporters. Furthermore, Tinsel describes how action groups such as the Scottish Trans Alliance and Stonewall have helped perpetuate myths around the law. For example, they assert that refusing to affirm one’s partner's gender identity is in fact a form of domestic abuse. This of course makes it even more difficult for trans widows to assert their rights and access support.

Fellow trans widow Jenny laments that many people ignore the plight of trans widows and fail to support them; she insists that the real fight to be had centres around the children, protecting the children. As she points out in the film ‘We can’t protect the children if we aren't protecting their mothers.’

‘Unlike situations where men terrorise their partners with physical or sexual abuse ‒ and redressal is hard as it is ‒ there is an extra layer of difficulty for trans widows to seek recourse from abuse, simply because of their abuser’s trans identity. This is an extreme form of misogyny where an entire society has been gaslighted into ignoring the stories of these women and children. But I hope the film will help in a small way in amplifying their critical voices,’

Vaishnavi Sundar.

While Vaishnavi hopes the film will encourage more women to come forward with their experience, she is also aware of what feminists are up against ‘an intellectual cul-de-sac’ as she calls it.

On watching the film in its entirety, my mind returned to those crows of ‘stunning and brave’, and I felt a sense of lament and immense frustration that the women, the actual women behind the looking glass of their husbands' transition, were not being heralded routinely as such. These women are truly brave in speaking out in spite of a hostile media and society which would sooner have them stunned into silence. What Vaishnavi has managed to do with this film is give trans widows a voice. What we can do is make sure that that voice is heard by watching and sharing this crucial film.

Watch the film on X - https://x.com/vaishax/status/1837134170969317449

Watch the film on YT - https://youtu.be/Frffv2sB8zE  

Florence Waller on X - https://x.com/_FlorenceWaller