The Unseen Coercive Control of Disabled Women

By Natalie Hislop-Blake. This article was adapted from the speech Natalie gave at #FiLiA2021 during the Politics of the Personal: Women, Disability and Feminism Panel.

Pregnancy has been established to be one of the major contributors to an escalation in domestic abuse, but it is less well known that a change in health circumstances is another. In Dr Jane Monckton Smith’s proposed timeline of coercive control escalation to murder, development of a new health problem is included under stage four, and can lead to an increased risk that separation may be difficult or dangerous. The inclusion of a change in health circumstances here coincides with reports of twice as many cases of domestic abuse in disabled women and lasting a longer period of time.

In my failing health, my ex found the perfect scapegoat for his fishtailing mood - I already blamed myself as my care needs increased. As I felt I was clearly at fault, I accepted that he either had to compensate elsewhere, or drown his ‘misery’ in alcohol. Weathered by constant gaslighting in the marriage, I misguidedly believed it was better to stay married - despite my masked sexuality coming to light during my autism diagnosis. I was already self-harming and mentally numb, subjecting myself to sulking-induced ‘sex’ felt no different than a blade to my skin.

I have been supporting Sarah*, who is autistic and physically disabled. She explained to her local Women's Aid service how her partner was bullying her family. Yet the helpline counsellor did not believe she was sufficiently upset, hence must not be experiencing domestic abuse! She was refused help.

Later, in court, the CAFCASS officer was prejudiced towards Sarah, claiming that autistic mothers are emotionally abusive - whilst in praise of her ‘caring’ ex. Ex-partner-carers frequently manipulate onlookers to their claimed selflessness, while in fact neglecting their partner's' needs.

Joint income meant that in reality, I was left with no money of my own. Coaxed to believe that my visceral panic when finding secret debts meant I was the one who couldn’t cope with money, I let him take complete control.

It is impossible to remain financially independent when sharing one income. This is clearly problematic twofold - leaving a vulnerable person open to financial abuse, and making even an amicable separation difficult.

He took charge of our children, brainwashing me that my needs meant I could not care adequately for them. It was easier not to get my wheelchair out for school-runs, or for him to drive for out-of-school activities. I relied on him to leave the house at all - when he chose not to help, I was a prisoner.

Sarah was imprisoned too. Secretly given increasing quantities of cannabis, under the guise of helping her persistent pain; making her dependent on him. She stopped smoking the day that she left; it turns out - her pain was bearable without him to deal with.

I’d been in a decent position to leave; my sister is well-versed in abuse, both professionally and as a survivor; my family are nearby and supportive; and I had access to various feminist resources (such as The Freedom Programme). Knowing his actions would be held against him when I inevitably wasn't strong enough to follow through, prevented me not only from speaking to family, but also Women’s Aid - afraid my sister would hear of my support.

Ultimately, I knew the relationship had to end, but while general advice regarding disabilities and abuse is available online, guidance on the practicalities of how to leave a carer were nonexistent - especially as contacting services via phone is commonly required, and I struggle with auditory processing due to my autism.

Frustratingly, separation is not the end - a disparity in living arrangements follows. Due to the chronic shortage of social housing that is both suitable for a family, and adapted for disabilities, families fleeing abuse are living long term in hostel-provision that is inadequately accessible. The ‘Domestic Abuse Report 2020’ found that in 2018-2019 only an average of 0.9% of available refuge spaces were wheelchair accessible (with an additional 1% suitable for limited mobility), despite the same survey finding that 7% of service users were physically disabled.

Children then take on their mother’s care, with an estimated 67-75% of young carers helping to care for their single mother, and the burden falling especially frequently on her female children. This impacts the child socially, mentally and physically, and can impact their education.

Support services pay lip service to helping disabled women and their families, whilst in reality support is hard to access, and the availability of specialist facilities is poor.